EPT DOILY by Paulette Hayes. Image scanned and printed onto linen. Machine embroidered, cotton lace trim. In the collection of Spanishscott.
EP Tax. Materials: White linen, machine thread, cotton lace. Technique: Computer printed image of lemon onto white linen, machine embroiderey, lace application. Paulette Hayes.
EP Tax. Materials: White linen, machine thread, cotton lace. Technique: Computer printed image of lemon onto white linen, machine embroiderey, lace application. Paulette Hayes.
OPEN LETTER FROM SPANISHSCOT
COLLECTOR OF EPT FOR THE
NORTHERN HEMISPHERE
To Sux, melmoth and other potential tax evaders
As EPT tax collector for the northern hemisphere, I have to say I am hurt by your efforts to avoid paying this tax.
I'd like to remind everyone that you don't pay tax for finishing the crossword without cheating, but for boasting about it and making the rest of us feel like idiots.
Apart from that, I don't think you would ever find more reasonable tax collectors that iguana and me. We have been known to give people exemptions, we don't send reminders or refer you to debt collecting agencies.
We don't send people to break your legs.
And we are remarkably flexible in what we accept as payment. From swirls of mountain mist to spiders, lizards and badly knitted jumpers. Pomes, songs, music and anti-rabies vaccines.... The list is endless.
IN RESPONSE
Melmoth1820
This crumsword was diddled (via a labyrinthine network of shell companies, accommodation addresses and numbered crossword accounts) from a location on the EPT haven of August Bank Holiday Island.
Furthermore, by using a convoluted system of fiscal juggling, devious accountancy and quantum pecuniary peculiarity (known as "cheating and lying" to the uninitiated) it not only appears that I don't owe (and never have owed) any EPT but I am due to a considerable rebate.
Where's my money?
I wants it NOW!
PS
Will accept knighthood or seat in the House of Lords as part payment.
Suckspencil
I am hoping that my early gnomic utterance might absolve me from EPT.
I have a range of EPT-avoidance schemes, many of them modelled on methods used by some of our best-beloved FTSE-100 companies, patriotic household names all. Yet others culled from the fiscal practices of business luminaries such as the Barclay Brothers, the Duke of Westminster, Richard Branson and Adam Werrity, flag-wavers to a man.
Don't say: You naughty evil evader, you!
Do say: What an avid avoider!
LIDELL - AS WE KNOW, HAS REFUSED TO PAY TAX
Peterkelly
Ode to Mary, The Lamb and EPT
Mary had a little lamb,
She kept it on a string,
She paid a lot in EPT,
'Cos crosswords were its thing.
It knew an awful lot of words,
And every town and river,
If Easy-Peasy's what you want,
That lamb could sure deliver.
But though the lamb was really good,
One day it ran away,
'Cos Mary said, "I'll eat you, lamb,
Then I won't have to pay."
And so it roamed to QCC,
And lives here in the snug,
It still does crosswords super-fast,
And's just as bleeding smug.
SPANISHSCOT - INSPECTOR OF TAXES
NORTHERN HEMISPHERE
IGUANA2GO - INSPECTOR OF TAXES
SOUTHERN HEMISPHERE
Fried Fish
19 September 2011 7:16PM
Please, I go away to Wales and come back to Enger-land and QCC-ers are talking abt EPT...
WTF is EPT?????
European Poker Tour?
Edinburgh People's Theatre?
Ephemeroptera, Plecoptera, Trichoptera?
Emerson Power Transmission?
Electronic Publishing Trust?
Expedited Partner Therapy?
Energy and Process Engineering?
English Placement Test?
European Journal of Political Theory?
Electronic Products and Technology?
Extended Page Tables?
Electronic Portugal Tournament?
Early Pregnancy Test?
...And so my Google search goes on...
AU SECO-O-O-O-O-U-U-U-U-U-R-R-R-R-S ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !
Someone spell it out for me, PLEEEEEEAZZE! ! ! ! !
More information on paying EPT can be found here
HOW TO AVOID PAYING EPT
Melmoth1820
21 Sep 2011, 6:06AM
How to avoid paying EPT; a short guide to cut out and keep.
The obvious way is to resist the temptation of making boasty posts like "Dunnit in 3 minutes", "That was too easy" or similar stuff (all of which mean essentially the same same thing; "I'm so clever look at me").
Not only does this exempt you from tax it has the added advantage of not making you appear to be an ego-centric prat with all the sensitivity of a deceased tortoise. (A good thing).
There are several other approaches, amongst which are:
Lie.
It may have only taken 3 minutes but you say it was three hours.
Or
Claim to have only completed the crossie by bouncing on the Czech and Czeat buttings until they exploded.
The second option is probably more convincing but it's entirely up to you (as the French say about karaoke bars "yer pays yer money and yer takes yer chanson").
Maintain that the crossie was completely impossible because all the answers were wrong and then be abusive about the setter.
A slightly risky strategy in that the headmaster can get annoyed and send you out to the naughty step. Only to be used in moderation or extremis.
Don't mention the crossie (at all).
This method is favoured by many members of the QCC because it sidesteps the issue altogether and gets straight down to the serious business of splothering without any unnecessary delay. A refinement of this technique is to feign surprise if the crossword is mentioned;
"Oh. I was wondering what that black and white thingie is at the top of the page" etc.
Get so drunken the night before that even the idea of doing the crossie makes you feel ill and the only comment you can manage is;
"Aaaaargh, my brain hurts"
before tottering back to bed.
My own favoured option is as follows;
Emerge from sleepy dreams (populated by pink irrelephants) and stumble blearily downstairs. Set coffee machine going and squint at crossie while making a rollie.
Tremulously type in part of answer.
Remember to fill coffee machine with water and start it again.
Retype answer in correct place.
Light rollie.
Type in second answer which makes the first one wrong. Or maybe both are. Hmmmmm.
Relight rollie.
Misread the next clue which makes the possible solution an obscenity, scratch head, look puzzled.
Let cat in.
Attempt a different corner, bung word in (misspelled). Cat tramples on keyboard reducing everything to gibberish. Coffee machine says "bloop". Pour and imbibe caffeine, start to feel vaguely human.
Start crossie again.
Cat insists on being fed by threatening more keyboard trampling.
Feed cat.
Relight rollie.
Etc. etc. etc.
With two cats, a slight hangover and typing ability which is somewhere in the region of inept to incompetent this ridiculous performance can go on for several hours, the crossie is eventually finished but all sense of time taken and degree of easiness has been lost in a confusion of distractions, extraneous thingummies and total befuddlement.
When asked if EPT is due you can answer with absolute honesty
"Dunno. Haven't got the foggiest."
Having said all of that, today's crossie was a bit of a doddle and only took............
Oh bum.
Melmoth1820
13 Oct 2011
Here's the citizenship test for the EPT haven of August Bank Holiday Island.
Are you:
A. Moderately well off, surviving, scraping along or scratching a living.
B. Filthy stinking rich.
C. So unbelievably wealthy you could probably bail out Greece from the loose change that's slipped down the back of the sofa.
Is your sense of ethics most akin to:
A. Aristotle.
B. A merchant banker.
C. A sewer rat.
Global warming is:
A. Worrisome.
B. Not really happening (it's all Lefty propaganda)
C. A great idea because it'll increase land values.
You cheat on the crossword:
A. Sometimes, but you happily admit to it.
B. Usually, although you'd never know from your comments.
C. Crossword? Haven't got time for that sort of thing, too busy grabbing more lovely money. Just wellie the Solution butting and say it was easy.
Have you got any friends?
A. Yes.
B. "Business colleagues" and "people who owe me favours" would be more appropriate.
C. Where can I buy some?
If you answered A to all the above questions then bugger off, we don't want any nasty pinko Liberal types here, no sirree Bob.
If B then you're in with a chance (and we're always open to bribery).
If C then hello and welcome, have a sticky bun and a pint of Splothka (and can I borrow a fiver? pay you back next Tuesday.....promise.....Thursday at the latest......).
Melmoth1816 commented on Quick crossword No 13,160.
13 Jul 2012 4:12pm
9
Squeaking from his palatial residence on the EPT haven of Bank Holiday Island the leader of the (so-called) ruling council (a dodgy and discreditable, dissolute known only as “M”) told our correspondent that the sponsorship deal was in everybody's interest (particularly his) and that a few malcontents quibbling and grumbling about consonants or vowels would not get in the way of private enterprise's mission to make the world a better, happier (and fatter) place. He also denied that he knew anything at all about attempts to manipulate the EPT rate in his favour or that Strabismus Security have made a pig's ear and a complete hames of the security arrangements which is going to cost the QCC a small fortune to sort out.
“Not possible dear boy.” he slurred, giving our correspondent a complicated and elaborate handshake “We're all in the same lodge.”
THIS IS PROBABLY THE BEST EPT OFFERED TO SPANISHSCOT. (Unfortunately, when she turned up at the hotel they said they had no record of the booking)
Melmoth1816 commented on Quick crossword No 13,160.
13 Jul 2012 10:02pm
McSpanny
A suite at L'Hôtel de Frou-frou on August Bank Holiday Island has been reserved for your exclusive use (and paid for by an anonymous benefactor). You will be waited on by hordes of bronzed young men not wearing any clothes (bearing political statements or overt commercial identification) and will be be wined and dined free gratis (and for nuffin') while we iron out any little misunderstandings about EPT.
Look forward to meeting you.
M.
COLLECTOR OF EPT FOR THE
NORTHERN HEMISPHERE
To Sux, melmoth and other potential tax evaders
As EPT tax collector for the northern hemisphere, I have to say I am hurt by your efforts to avoid paying this tax.
I'd like to remind everyone that you don't pay tax for finishing the crossword without cheating, but for boasting about it and making the rest of us feel like idiots.
Apart from that, I don't think you would ever find more reasonable tax collectors that iguana and me. We have been known to give people exemptions, we don't send reminders or refer you to debt collecting agencies.
We don't send people to break your legs.
And we are remarkably flexible in what we accept as payment. From swirls of mountain mist to spiders, lizards and badly knitted jumpers. Pomes, songs, music and anti-rabies vaccines.... The list is endless.
IN RESPONSE
Melmoth1820
This crumsword was diddled (via a labyrinthine network of shell companies, accommodation addresses and numbered crossword accounts) from a location on the EPT haven of August Bank Holiday Island.
Furthermore, by using a convoluted system of fiscal juggling, devious accountancy and quantum pecuniary peculiarity (known as "cheating and lying" to the uninitiated) it not only appears that I don't owe (and never have owed) any EPT but I am due to a considerable rebate.
Where's my money?
I wants it NOW!
PS
Will accept knighthood or seat in the House of Lords as part payment.
Suckspencil
I am hoping that my early gnomic utterance might absolve me from EPT.
I have a range of EPT-avoidance schemes, many of them modelled on methods used by some of our best-beloved FTSE-100 companies, patriotic household names all. Yet others culled from the fiscal practices of business luminaries such as the Barclay Brothers, the Duke of Westminster, Richard Branson and Adam Werrity, flag-wavers to a man.
Don't say: You naughty evil evader, you!
Do say: What an avid avoider!
LIDELL - AS WE KNOW, HAS REFUSED TO PAY TAX
Peterkelly
Ode to Mary, The Lamb and EPT
Mary had a little lamb,
She kept it on a string,
She paid a lot in EPT,
'Cos crosswords were its thing.
It knew an awful lot of words,
And every town and river,
If Easy-Peasy's what you want,
That lamb could sure deliver.
But though the lamb was really good,
One day it ran away,
'Cos Mary said, "I'll eat you, lamb,
Then I won't have to pay."
And so it roamed to QCC,
And lives here in the snug,
It still does crosswords super-fast,
And's just as bleeding smug.
SPANISHSCOT - INSPECTOR OF TAXES
NORTHERN HEMISPHERE
IGUANA2GO - INSPECTOR OF TAXES
SOUTHERN HEMISPHERE
Fried Fish
19 September 2011 7:16PM
Please, I go away to Wales and come back to Enger-land and QCC-ers are talking abt EPT...
WTF is EPT?????
European Poker Tour?
Edinburgh People's Theatre?
Ephemeroptera, Plecoptera, Trichoptera?
Emerson Power Transmission?
Electronic Publishing Trust?
Expedited Partner Therapy?
Energy and Process Engineering?
English Placement Test?
European Journal of Political Theory?
Electronic Products and Technology?
Extended Page Tables?
Electronic Portugal Tournament?
Early Pregnancy Test?
...And so my Google search goes on...
AU SECO-O-O-O-O-U-U-U-U-U-R-R-R-R-S ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !
Someone spell it out for me, PLEEEEEEAZZE! ! ! ! !
More information on paying EPT can be found here
HOW TO AVOID PAYING EPT
Melmoth1820
21 Sep 2011, 6:06AM
How to avoid paying EPT; a short guide to cut out and keep.
The obvious way is to resist the temptation of making boasty posts like "Dunnit in 3 minutes", "That was too easy" or similar stuff (all of which mean essentially the same same thing; "I'm so clever look at me").
Not only does this exempt you from tax it has the added advantage of not making you appear to be an ego-centric prat with all the sensitivity of a deceased tortoise. (A good thing).
There are several other approaches, amongst which are:
Lie.
It may have only taken 3 minutes but you say it was three hours.
Or
Claim to have only completed the crossie by bouncing on the Czech and Czeat buttings until they exploded.
The second option is probably more convincing but it's entirely up to you (as the French say about karaoke bars "yer pays yer money and yer takes yer chanson").
Maintain that the crossie was completely impossible because all the answers were wrong and then be abusive about the setter.
A slightly risky strategy in that the headmaster can get annoyed and send you out to the naughty step. Only to be used in moderation or extremis.
Don't mention the crossie (at all).
This method is favoured by many members of the QCC because it sidesteps the issue altogether and gets straight down to the serious business of splothering without any unnecessary delay. A refinement of this technique is to feign surprise if the crossword is mentioned;
"Oh. I was wondering what that black and white thingie is at the top of the page" etc.
Get so drunken the night before that even the idea of doing the crossie makes you feel ill and the only comment you can manage is;
"Aaaaargh, my brain hurts"
before tottering back to bed.
My own favoured option is as follows;
Emerge from sleepy dreams (populated by pink irrelephants) and stumble blearily downstairs. Set coffee machine going and squint at crossie while making a rollie.
Tremulously type in part of answer.
Remember to fill coffee machine with water and start it again.
Retype answer in correct place.
Light rollie.
Type in second answer which makes the first one wrong. Or maybe both are. Hmmmmm.
Relight rollie.
Misread the next clue which makes the possible solution an obscenity, scratch head, look puzzled.
Let cat in.
Attempt a different corner, bung word in (misspelled). Cat tramples on keyboard reducing everything to gibberish. Coffee machine says "bloop". Pour and imbibe caffeine, start to feel vaguely human.
Start crossie again.
Cat insists on being fed by threatening more keyboard trampling.
Feed cat.
Relight rollie.
Etc. etc. etc.
With two cats, a slight hangover and typing ability which is somewhere in the region of inept to incompetent this ridiculous performance can go on for several hours, the crossie is eventually finished but all sense of time taken and degree of easiness has been lost in a confusion of distractions, extraneous thingummies and total befuddlement.
When asked if EPT is due you can answer with absolute honesty
"Dunno. Haven't got the foggiest."
Having said all of that, today's crossie was a bit of a doddle and only took............
Oh bum.
Melmoth1820
13 Oct 2011
Here's the citizenship test for the EPT haven of August Bank Holiday Island.
Are you:
A. Moderately well off, surviving, scraping along or scratching a living.
B. Filthy stinking rich.
C. So unbelievably wealthy you could probably bail out Greece from the loose change that's slipped down the back of the sofa.
Is your sense of ethics most akin to:
A. Aristotle.
B. A merchant banker.
C. A sewer rat.
Global warming is:
A. Worrisome.
B. Not really happening (it's all Lefty propaganda)
C. A great idea because it'll increase land values.
You cheat on the crossword:
A. Sometimes, but you happily admit to it.
B. Usually, although you'd never know from your comments.
C. Crossword? Haven't got time for that sort of thing, too busy grabbing more lovely money. Just wellie the Solution butting and say it was easy.
Have you got any friends?
A. Yes.
B. "Business colleagues" and "people who owe me favours" would be more appropriate.
C. Where can I buy some?
If you answered A to all the above questions then bugger off, we don't want any nasty pinko Liberal types here, no sirree Bob.
If B then you're in with a chance (and we're always open to bribery).
If C then hello and welcome, have a sticky bun and a pint of Splothka (and can I borrow a fiver? pay you back next Tuesday.....promise.....Thursday at the latest......).
Melmoth1816 commented on Quick crossword No 13,160.
13 Jul 2012 4:12pm
9
Squeaking from his palatial residence on the EPT haven of Bank Holiday Island the leader of the (so-called) ruling council (a dodgy and discreditable, dissolute known only as “M”) told our correspondent that the sponsorship deal was in everybody's interest (particularly his) and that a few malcontents quibbling and grumbling about consonants or vowels would not get in the way of private enterprise's mission to make the world a better, happier (and fatter) place. He also denied that he knew anything at all about attempts to manipulate the EPT rate in his favour or that Strabismus Security have made a pig's ear and a complete hames of the security arrangements which is going to cost the QCC a small fortune to sort out.
“Not possible dear boy.” he slurred, giving our correspondent a complicated and elaborate handshake “We're all in the same lodge.”
THIS IS PROBABLY THE BEST EPT OFFERED TO SPANISHSCOT. (Unfortunately, when she turned up at the hotel they said they had no record of the booking)
Melmoth1816 commented on Quick crossword No 13,160.
13 Jul 2012 10:02pm
McSpanny
A suite at L'Hôtel de Frou-frou on August Bank Holiday Island has been reserved for your exclusive use (and paid for by an anonymous benefactor). You will be waited on by hordes of bronzed young men not wearing any clothes (bearing political statements or overt commercial identification) and will be be wined and dined free gratis (and for nuffin') while we iron out any little misunderstandings about EPT.
Look forward to meeting you.
M.
As I got to the obiect very quickly I will pay for today's smug gloat with:
Oilskin macs
six packs
selfless acts
and hay stacks
steeple jacks
fishing smacks
sealing wax
quacks and flax
and hairline cracks,
penny blacks,
commercial pacts,
tasty snacks,
brass tacks,
and little known facts.
Oilskin macs
six packs
selfless acts
and hay stacks
steeple jacks
fishing smacks
sealing wax
quacks and flax
and hairline cracks,
penny blacks,
commercial pacts,
tasty snacks,
brass tacks,
and little known facts.