The QCC Alternative Christmas (2011)
THE QCC ALTERNATIVE 12 DAYS OF CHRISTMAS
SAINT NICHOLAS DAY
Someone mentioned the custom in the Netherlands of celebrating Sinterklaas, St Nicholas Day, on the 5th of December by giving each other gifts and poems So we decided to give each other poems on this day. The splother then went on, and on, until Christmas....
SAINT NICHOLAS DAY
Someone mentioned the custom in the Netherlands of celebrating Sinterklaas, St Nicholas Day, on the 5th of December by giving each other gifts and poems So we decided to give each other poems on this day. The splother then went on, and on, until Christmas....
lidell
5 December 2011 7:42PM
Sinterklaas
(Have I got it right?
Is it tonight?)
On this most auspicious of days
I send paeans in praise,
Admiration and tribute
of all who contribute
with wit and decorum
to embellish this forum.
I will not be specific
You are all terrific!
5 December 2011 7:42PM
Sinterklaas
(Have I got it right?
Is it tonight?)
On this most auspicious of days
I send paeans in praise,
Admiration and tribute
of all who contribute
with wit and decorum
to embellish this forum.
I will not be specific
You are all terrific!
spanishscot
5 December 2011 8:58PM
Well, here is my contribution. Now it's time for the real poets to show off.
We’re the Guardian Quick Crossword Crowd
And everything here is allowed
Day and night, without a break we splother
we (almost) never fight each other
We have discussion about grammar
And dance the night away with glamour
Through cyberspace we share heartache
We are also really fond of CAKE
I send love and thanks to all my pals
On this the night of Sinterklaas
5 December 2011 8:58PM
Well, here is my contribution. Now it's time for the real poets to show off.
We’re the Guardian Quick Crossword Crowd
And everything here is allowed
Day and night, without a break we splother
we (almost) never fight each other
We have discussion about grammar
And dance the night away with glamour
Through cyberspace we share heartache
We are also really fond of CAKE
I send love and thanks to all my pals
On this the night of Sinterklaas
FriedFish
5 December 2011 9:27PM
Remember remember the 5th of December
with prezzies and poems and good feeling
I see no reason why at St Nicholas's season
we shouldn't repaint the caff ceiling*...
(*=celebrate in a painting the town red sort of way)
Good wishes to all...
xFF&Bx
5 December 2011 9:27PM
Remember remember the 5th of December
with prezzies and poems and good feeling
I see no reason why at St Nicholas's season
we shouldn't repaint the caff ceiling*...
(*=celebrate in a painting the town red sort of way)
Good wishes to all...
xFF&Bx
peterkelly
5 December 2011 9:30PM
Ode to Real Virtual Friends
A tribute to all QCC,
A caff that's as fine as can be,
Where wit is the fashion,
But also compassion,
A new kind of friendship for me.
5 December 2011 9:30PM
Ode to Real Virtual Friends
A tribute to all QCC,
A caff that's as fine as can be,
Where wit is the fashion,
But also compassion,
A new kind of friendship for me.
deelfi62
5 December 2011 9:56PM
This café is one magic place
We all try our best, and with grace
'Tho sometimes we quibble
About words, and the prophetess Sibyl
I give you all a great big embrace!
5 December 2011 9:56PM
This café is one magic place
We all try our best, and with grace
'Tho sometimes we quibble
About words, and the prophetess Sibyl
I give you all a great big embrace!
MonkeyJammas
5 December 2011 10:21PM
... Now if I were to re-write that (having re-read it) ...
Don't matter wot's said about Peterer!
He's fin'lly perfected his meterer.
You can spray all you wanty
Your pomes nonchalanty,
Coz Peter's is better 'n' sweeterer!
NER!!! (wiv knobs)
5 December 2011 10:21PM
... Now if I were to re-write that (having re-read it) ...
Don't matter wot's said about Peterer!
He's fin'lly perfected his meterer.
You can spray all you wanty
Your pomes nonchalanty,
Coz Peter's is better 'n' sweeterer!
NER!!! (wiv knobs)
brian289
6 December 2011 10:41AM
For my EPT I offer this sonnet which is one of dramatic sequence I wrote some years ago.
We're made like a jigsaw, with many puzzling parts.
And over our lives we're committed laboriously to try
To make the picture whole - with many false starts,
And we earnestly long to complete it before we die.
Over the years we learn it's impossible to do
With only the pieces provided at the start.
There are gaps, huge holes and no edges too,
Just links to the bigger scene of which we're a part.
Others' jigsaws have parts that fit our own
And parts of ours will find a home in theirs.
We come to acknowledge when we're sadly alone
The smallest group for coherence at all, is pairs.
But finally, the complete picture will only be seen
When a part of each fits every other's scene.
6 December 2011 10:41AM
For my EPT I offer this sonnet which is one of dramatic sequence I wrote some years ago.
We're made like a jigsaw, with many puzzling parts.
And over our lives we're committed laboriously to try
To make the picture whole - with many false starts,
And we earnestly long to complete it before we die.
Over the years we learn it's impossible to do
With only the pieces provided at the start.
There are gaps, huge holes and no edges too,
Just links to the bigger scene of which we're a part.
Others' jigsaws have parts that fit our own
And parts of ours will find a home in theirs.
We come to acknowledge when we're sadly alone
The smallest group for coherence at all, is pairs.
But finally, the complete picture will only be seen
When a part of each fits every other's scene.
BUT...MELMOTH IS MISSING....
Suckspencil
8 December 2011 11:57AM
Just where the hell
Is our chum Mel?
I miss his quiplets merry.
Trapped up his etymology?
Or beneath his dictionary?
Could his syn-tax now be overdue
And he's toiling to repay?
Could the stress of his sem-antics
Have required a holiday?
Has he simply upped and left us
Donned his coat, walked out the door?
Has the dark side won him over?
Is he QCC no more?
8 December 2011 11:57AM
Just where the hell
Is our chum Mel?
I miss his quiplets merry.
Trapped up his etymology?
Or beneath his dictionary?
Could his syn-tax now be overdue
And he's toiling to repay?
Could the stress of his sem-antics
Have required a holiday?
Has he simply upped and left us
Donned his coat, walked out the door?
Has the dark side won him over?
Is he QCC no more?
HOWEVER, LIFE GOES ON AND THE CAFÉ PREPARES FOR CHRISTMAS
sparclear
8 December 2011 3:08PM
As the winds freshened and the surf rose against the harbour bollards Candlebra Café kept its lights on and its Treacle Tart warm ready for the guests to be bowled in having given up trying to take their constitutionals along the sea front. The Ladies loo has helpfully provided a hairdryer and a coat airing rack, and a dress exchange rack for emergencies. In the café front parlour the woodburning stove takes pride of place beneath a pulley, where drenched stripey socks, scarves and gloves are fixed with clothespegs. A row of dry carpet slippers has appeared from somewhere, to let all the sopping footwear be removed, stuffed with real newspaper, and placed on a rack behind the stove.
Cook is being kept busy supplying hot Splothka toddies and great generous platefuls of sausage, egg, homemade baked beans, grilled tomatoes and baked wedges of pumpkin. Hugh is in charge of the darts tornament. A Guardian League has formed and we are playing off gradually against all the teams from other threads, other departments. A noisy crowd gathers around the blackboard where the scores are being chalked up. If you want quiet you can find plenty of witty and modern paperbacks and a few animals and fluffy items of furniture, these are popular with our very chilled guests and reassure them they will not be getting frostbite. Christmas Cake and three kinds of tea are available in the snug, bricklayer's, Grearl and the In/Chin mix.
Now, all we need is someone to strike up a limerick....
8 December 2011 3:08PM
As the winds freshened and the surf rose against the harbour bollards Candlebra Café kept its lights on and its Treacle Tart warm ready for the guests to be bowled in having given up trying to take their constitutionals along the sea front. The Ladies loo has helpfully provided a hairdryer and a coat airing rack, and a dress exchange rack for emergencies. In the café front parlour the woodburning stove takes pride of place beneath a pulley, where drenched stripey socks, scarves and gloves are fixed with clothespegs. A row of dry carpet slippers has appeared from somewhere, to let all the sopping footwear be removed, stuffed with real newspaper, and placed on a rack behind the stove.
Cook is being kept busy supplying hot Splothka toddies and great generous platefuls of sausage, egg, homemade baked beans, grilled tomatoes and baked wedges of pumpkin. Hugh is in charge of the darts tornament. A Guardian League has formed and we are playing off gradually against all the teams from other threads, other departments. A noisy crowd gathers around the blackboard where the scores are being chalked up. If you want quiet you can find plenty of witty and modern paperbacks and a few animals and fluffy items of furniture, these are popular with our very chilled guests and reassure them they will not be getting frostbite. Christmas Cake and three kinds of tea are available in the snug, bricklayer's, Grearl and the In/Chin mix.
Now, all we need is someone to strike up a limerick....
MELMOTH IS STILL MISSING...
civsum
8 December 2011 7:25PM
"Won't you come home Count Melmoth,
Won't you come home,
You've been away too long.
We'll check our spelling Mellie
We'll oil your bike
How have we done you wrong?
Who was it Mellie who threw you out?
Or bitched about your finest pome,
It's really such a shame,
But are we to blame?
Count Melmoth won't you please come home !!!!!
8 December 2011 7:25PM
"Won't you come home Count Melmoth,
Won't you come home,
You've been away too long.
We'll check our spelling Mellie
We'll oil your bike
How have we done you wrong?
Who was it Mellie who threw you out?
Or bitched about your finest pome,
It's really such a shame,
But are we to blame?
Count Melmoth won't you please come home !!!!!
MEANWHILE…… GEORGIE THE ALLIGATOR DECIDES TO RETURN TO FLORIDA IN SEARCH OF A WARMER CLIMATE
sparclear
9 December 2011 6:04PM
Response to searogue, 9 December 2011 5:11PM
Good news. I always say it's a good thing to listen when animals say they're ready to do somep'n.....
Georgie's gone on a big plane
Saying, "Fly me well out of this rain.
I'm only a 'gator,
Graun Quick's Radiator
Was turned down too cool to stay sane!"
9 December 2011 6:04PM
Response to searogue, 9 December 2011 5:11PM
Good news. I always say it's a good thing to listen when animals say they're ready to do somep'n.....
Georgie's gone on a big plane
Saying, "Fly me well out of this rain.
I'm only a 'gator,
Graun Quick's Radiator
Was turned down too cool to stay sane!"
AND SUCKPENCIL BEGS SEAROGUE TO COME BACK
Suckspencil
9 December 2011 6:16PM
Searogue thou shouldst be down the caff right now:
The QCC hath need of thee: she has sunk far
And squelches rather: restaurant, snug and bar,
Library, the things that made this great place glow,
Have withered. Perhaps the world has had enow
of splother and quick wit. We're not up to par
I think . Parry, thrust and counter starts to jar.
Come, Searogue, life and laughter quickly sow.
You've been long gone and dwelt apart;
You had a voice which sounded of the sea:
We miss your pomes fine-crafted mastery.
Thus didst thou sail around this wondrous globe,
With cheerful verse and song; so play your part.
The QCC once more with golden fire to robe.
9 December 2011 6:16PM
Searogue thou shouldst be down the caff right now:
The QCC hath need of thee: she has sunk far
And squelches rather: restaurant, snug and bar,
Library, the things that made this great place glow,
Have withered. Perhaps the world has had enow
of splother and quick wit. We're not up to par
I think . Parry, thrust and counter starts to jar.
Come, Searogue, life and laughter quickly sow.
You've been long gone and dwelt apart;
You had a voice which sounded of the sea:
We miss your pomes fine-crafted mastery.
Thus didst thou sail around this wondrous globe,
With cheerful verse and song; so play your part.
The QCC once more with golden fire to robe.
SEAROGUE REAPPEARS IN THE DESERT AND APPROVES GEORGIE’S RETURN
searogue
9 December 2011 5:11PM
Sparcy!
Georgie will love it here. I went on a trek through the desert yesterday to a palm (washingtonia filifera) oasis. very undeveloped (hooray!) and secluded, with lots of jackrabbits, lizards and quail...she'll not go hungry.
9 December 2011 5:11PM
Sparcy!
Georgie will love it here. I went on a trek through the desert yesterday to a palm (washingtonia filifera) oasis. very undeveloped (hooray!) and secluded, with lots of jackrabbits, lizards and quail...she'll not go hungry.
THE NEXT DAY BLINDHORSE GIVES US AN ALTERNATIVE CAROL
blindhorse
10 December 2011 12:55PM
I while ago I was castigated for using a Christmas Carol out of season, well it is now the 10th December so I think I will be OK this time.
Please put on your Santa suits and join in
Ding Dong splothers on line
the crossword makes me crazy
Ding Dong maybe I should try
to make my brain less lazy.
Solvers - just use a dictionary.
E'ven so you cafe dwellers
may all your cheats be honest
Never try to pretend
its luck, your being modest
Solvers - just use a dictionary.
May you dutifully keep
the rules provided for us
May you always pay your tax
and never use thesaurus.
Solvers - just use a dictionary.
10 December 2011 12:55PM
I while ago I was castigated for using a Christmas Carol out of season, well it is now the 10th December so I think I will be OK this time.
Please put on your Santa suits and join in
Ding Dong splothers on line
the crossword makes me crazy
Ding Dong maybe I should try
to make my brain less lazy.
Solvers - just use a dictionary.
E'ven so you cafe dwellers
may all your cheats be honest
Never try to pretend
its luck, your being modest
Solvers - just use a dictionary.
May you dutifully keep
the rules provided for us
May you always pay your tax
and never use thesaurus.
Solvers - just use a dictionary.
AND LAFERENJIA RE-WRITES THE CHRISTMAS STORY
LaFerenjia
10 December 2011 1:55PM
Response to sparclear, 10 December 2011 6:53AM
A pair of huge brown eyes shyly peeped through the door of the QCC café.
‘Is it true’ the camel whispered ‘that the alligator is gone?’
A couple who were dancing an intimate tango by the light of a candlebra stopped and answered her.
‘True, all too true. Georgie’s turned into a snowbird and left us for warmer climes-a fair weather friend indeed!’
‘Now now, pet, you do have to admit that it was really the draw of the atheist beach for him/her. Although the storms here have been stonkingly awful…’
‘Atheist beaches?’ breathed the camel. ‘Sounds divine. I’m an atheist myself, you know, and yet every year I seem to get suckered into this 3 Kings reenactment malarkey. As gigs for camels go, it is such a cliché. Meandering through a freezing desert with a bunch of rotund stoned geezers faffing on about stars…and the cargo? All that over- the- top myrrh and the ganja, and the peanut brittle…I could do with a spell on the golden sands of Florida!’
‘Would a hot splothka toddy help warm you up?’
In reply the camel swooned, her tongue dribbling down to her knees, and made a revolting burbblewhroom noise.
‘That’s camel delight’ explained the caff’s vet, emerging from the snug, tell tale lipstick marks on his bald pate.
Moments later, carrying a platter heaped with chestnut stifado, sticky buns and jule kakke, a dreadlocked dolly bird also emerged. She blinked as she looked around, seeing a score of empty seats.
‘Where is everybody? They can’t all be out on the Naughty Step, it’s too blinkin’ cold!’
A crow barked softly
Hyenas cawed at the moon.
My skies cry today.
Declaimed a handsome Gemini who was playing cat’s cradle.
Not terribly reassured, the camel nevertheless entered the café. ‘Sod the manger’ she remarked, reaching for a hot toddy.
‘I did see, however, a crowd of peeps out in the Sinai. They were lugging an antique vellum OED, and following an intellectual looking fellow, Dr. Strachisimus or something. Some of them were singing Humbug in a rather mellifluous 7 part harmony. They spotted my Kings with their chillums and rum cake, and last I saw they were building a campfire and getting rather jolly. That’s when I legged it away.’
At this moment the door flew open with a tremendous crash, and all the missing café habitués swarmed in, accompanied by the 3 Kings and more camels.
As the toddies flowed, the Humbug Chorus resounded to the rafters, and the Naughty Step merged with the Snug with the Snooker Room, and all was well.
10 December 2011 1:55PM
Response to sparclear, 10 December 2011 6:53AM
A pair of huge brown eyes shyly peeped through the door of the QCC café.
‘Is it true’ the camel whispered ‘that the alligator is gone?’
A couple who were dancing an intimate tango by the light of a candlebra stopped and answered her.
‘True, all too true. Georgie’s turned into a snowbird and left us for warmer climes-a fair weather friend indeed!’
‘Now now, pet, you do have to admit that it was really the draw of the atheist beach for him/her. Although the storms here have been stonkingly awful…’
‘Atheist beaches?’ breathed the camel. ‘Sounds divine. I’m an atheist myself, you know, and yet every year I seem to get suckered into this 3 Kings reenactment malarkey. As gigs for camels go, it is such a cliché. Meandering through a freezing desert with a bunch of rotund stoned geezers faffing on about stars…and the cargo? All that over- the- top myrrh and the ganja, and the peanut brittle…I could do with a spell on the golden sands of Florida!’
‘Would a hot splothka toddy help warm you up?’
In reply the camel swooned, her tongue dribbling down to her knees, and made a revolting burbblewhroom noise.
‘That’s camel delight’ explained the caff’s vet, emerging from the snug, tell tale lipstick marks on his bald pate.
Moments later, carrying a platter heaped with chestnut stifado, sticky buns and jule kakke, a dreadlocked dolly bird also emerged. She blinked as she looked around, seeing a score of empty seats.
‘Where is everybody? They can’t all be out on the Naughty Step, it’s too blinkin’ cold!’
A crow barked softly
Hyenas cawed at the moon.
My skies cry today.
Declaimed a handsome Gemini who was playing cat’s cradle.
Not terribly reassured, the camel nevertheless entered the café. ‘Sod the manger’ she remarked, reaching for a hot toddy.
‘I did see, however, a crowd of peeps out in the Sinai. They were lugging an antique vellum OED, and following an intellectual looking fellow, Dr. Strachisimus or something. Some of them were singing Humbug in a rather mellifluous 7 part harmony. They spotted my Kings with their chillums and rum cake, and last I saw they were building a campfire and getting rather jolly. That’s when I legged it away.’
At this moment the door flew open with a tremendous crash, and all the missing café habitués swarmed in, accompanied by the 3 Kings and more camels.
As the toddies flowed, the Humbug Chorus resounded to the rafters, and the Naughty Step merged with the Snug with the Snooker Room, and all was well.
PK DISCOVERS THAT GEORGIE TOOK ALL THE MARMITE
peterkelly
10 December 2011 10:39PM
I've just come in from an exhausting day seeing the pantomime at the Bolton Octagon.
In our little theatre group, we like to indulge ourselves in something light and downmarket from time to time. You can't be getting all emotionally torn to shreds by Arthur Miller or Tennessee Williams every time you go; it's nice to relax and shout, "He's behind you!" every now and then.
But it is physically more demanding, especially if the players try to invade the audience seating with playfully evil intent.
So I was in need of a little lift of some kind when I slid into the snug this evening and I was a bit perturbed to find such a sad and quiet atmosphere.
Mary's Little Lamb was knocking the balls about the snooker table in a desultory fashion and looking glum. P'ong normally says very little anyway and sits quietly in the lotus position, only moving his arm to to lift his glass and only speaking to say "Yes, please" when offered another. But I couldn't help noticing that he was sitting facing the wall tonight and appeared to have stopped breathing entirely.
Even Leo was looking glum and, given that he's just received an enormous advance on his next novel, I knew that something must be seriously wrong.
And then I noticed that Georgie wasn't there. his/her chaise longue was empty !
Nobody replied when I said "Where's Georgie ?" but Leo took a folded sheet of paper from his waistcoat pocket and handed it to me without looking up.
I saw Georgie's distinctive writing, all capitals, in green biro.
"Gone to Florida. Bye bye" was all it said.
At first I couldn't believe it, but then I noticed a tear running down Leo's cheek, which I've only ever seen once before, (when he was voted into last place at a flamenco contest.)
I was so shocked myself that I immediately went down the cellar to find a bottle of something strong and comforting.. But as soon as I got down there I noticed a damp trail across the floor and signs of disturbance. The entire Marmite stash was gone!
I bounded back up the stairs and am afraid that as soon as I informed the others of what I'd discovered, their attitudes shifted dramatically.
"Never trust a bloody androgynous alligator," was Leo's comment and the others agreed that we were certainly better off without a Marmite thief in our midst.
It's a shame, really, as Georgie used to help me with clues to do with the American states and was quite good on wading birds too, for some reason.
10 December 2011 10:39PM
I've just come in from an exhausting day seeing the pantomime at the Bolton Octagon.
In our little theatre group, we like to indulge ourselves in something light and downmarket from time to time. You can't be getting all emotionally torn to shreds by Arthur Miller or Tennessee Williams every time you go; it's nice to relax and shout, "He's behind you!" every now and then.
But it is physically more demanding, especially if the players try to invade the audience seating with playfully evil intent.
So I was in need of a little lift of some kind when I slid into the snug this evening and I was a bit perturbed to find such a sad and quiet atmosphere.
Mary's Little Lamb was knocking the balls about the snooker table in a desultory fashion and looking glum. P'ong normally says very little anyway and sits quietly in the lotus position, only moving his arm to to lift his glass and only speaking to say "Yes, please" when offered another. But I couldn't help noticing that he was sitting facing the wall tonight and appeared to have stopped breathing entirely.
Even Leo was looking glum and, given that he's just received an enormous advance on his next novel, I knew that something must be seriously wrong.
And then I noticed that Georgie wasn't there. his/her chaise longue was empty !
Nobody replied when I said "Where's Georgie ?" but Leo took a folded sheet of paper from his waistcoat pocket and handed it to me without looking up.
I saw Georgie's distinctive writing, all capitals, in green biro.
"Gone to Florida. Bye bye" was all it said.
At first I couldn't believe it, but then I noticed a tear running down Leo's cheek, which I've only ever seen once before, (when he was voted into last place at a flamenco contest.)
I was so shocked myself that I immediately went down the cellar to find a bottle of something strong and comforting.. But as soon as I got down there I noticed a damp trail across the floor and signs of disturbance. The entire Marmite stash was gone!
I bounded back up the stairs and am afraid that as soon as I informed the others of what I'd discovered, their attitudes shifted dramatically.
"Never trust a bloody androgynous alligator," was Leo's comment and the others agreed that we were certainly better off without a Marmite thief in our midst.
It's a shame, really, as Georgie used to help me with clues to do with the American states and was quite good on wading birds too, for some reason.